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Chris Hardwick: And you fucks online who keep saying I'm pronouncing GIF wrong, no YOU'RE wrong. It's Graphic Interchange Format. I don't care what the guy who created the GIF format said, he's a fucking programer not linguist. It's GIF not a fucking peanut butter!

the bestest thing ever said [recently]
certainthings: (Dylan and Tyler H: I love you -)

I do enjoy these boys.
Now if Derek and Stiles can be shirtless (and pantsless) in the same room at the same time ....

+ + +

Jim Gaffigan: We live in a beauty society, though. If someone's attractive we're amazed that they can do anything else. 'Not only is she beautiful she knows how to read.' 'A reader too? What a double threat.'

I find that to be true. Sometimes.

Almost everytime I read Hoechlin's tweets I'm impressed by his spelling and capital letters. His grammar and punctuation.

Then I feel guilty.

But he's so pretty. He *is* a double threat. :p


Mar. 17th, 2010 09:26 pm
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I just got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that, but I wanted her to have my old girlfriend’s name. Call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells him.
certainthings: (Sandy only finds that)

Tits always look better in a pink sweater - George Carlin
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That casting spoiler that Twitter spoiled me for. The most recent one. The one Miss Danneel Harris has commented on...

I have posted this quote before now just seemed a good time to repost.

Dave Foley: And I think we should remember it's okay to say mean things about Paris Hilton. But really if you're discussing Paris Hilton and you're not saying mean things you've really got no reason discussing her. She's an heiress who we get to see give blow jobs on the internet. That's her talent. I've basically ... That's her oeuvre. That's her body of work.
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Daniel Tosh: 'God made Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve.' Do you wanna know the answer between religion and gays, I'll tell you. Look in the bible, look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. We all know who sinned first. C'mon, ladies, do you have to eat everything? I know you were hungry and there was a snake talking to you. Stick to that story, we've bought it this long. It's kind of cute, too. Now, God has to punish us for all mankind. What was woman's punishment? Do you know? Painful childbirth. Menstrual cycles. Man's punishment? We have to deal with women. That's why I get upset when people say 'God hates gays.' God doesn't hate gay people he's just mad because they found a loophole in the system. Wouldn't that upset you? You come up with a great punishment and then they're like, 'You know what? We're just going to bang each other.'
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Dara O'Briain: And then I noticed that they'd done a thing which I'd never seen done before in any hotel ever, right. They had gone through this women's stuff, they had found the most intimate items she'd had, little cami pajama top and cotton pajama bottom and they had built something, a shape, they'd made them into a thing on the bed. And you're looking at this thing going, "Eugh, what the hell is that?" I mean a three dimensional thing, I don't mean like they'd laid them out like a crime scene flat on the bed, "This is where the woman was murdered." They'd built like an origami thing with them and you're circling around it going, "What in the ... Oh my God, it's a bird." They'd made a bird out of her underwear and put it on the bed. It was the single creepiest thing I had ever seen in my life. It looked like the kind of a thing a serial killer called 'The Pheasant' might leave. "I am The Pheasant, I can get into whereever you are. I can find you and I will leave the pheasant to prove that I was there. I am The Pheasant."
certainthings: (Kreuk is laughing at you)
[re: camping]

Jim Gaffigan: I probably wouldn't be so scared if I wasn't sleeping in a bag. "Hey, let's pre-package ourselves for the serial killer, huh. I can't get away, can you?" "I can hop for a little but I'm deadmeat." Do you ever have to go the bathroom in the middle of the night? You always look at your friends, "Nice knowing you. Anyone wanna come and get killed with me or do you wanna get killed looking for me? We're all dead."

I hear it and I laugh. Then I think about F13 and I laugh so hard it hurts.
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David Cross: Acting is all pretending, that's all it is. It's the easiest job in the world. Here's what you do, here's acting. Actors sit - they get fucking millions of dollars - they sit in their beautiful plush trailers, with beds and fucking big screen TVs playing video games, waiting to be called to set and they're hanging out on their cell phone. And then a PA who's getting like six dollars an hour comes up and says, 'Uh, we're ready for you Mr. Belushi.'  'Fuck you!'  And then they come down and they uh, hold an umbrella lest a raindrop touch your precious little head and they give you hover-craft boots so that you can not touch the ground and angels sprinkle gold on you. 'What would you like? What about a certain kind of tea that you can only get in Tibet and I'll fly over there right now and get it for you?' And then they get on the set and the director says, 'Okay, second team out first team in.' Second team does all the hard work, they're the people that look like you and dress like you and they sit there for like an hour while they light and everything. Then the first team goes in and it's all pretending that's all you do and they go, 'Okay and action!' [acting sad] "I'm so ashamed." [/acting sad] 'And cut!' 'Okay, I'll be in my trailer.'
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Dara O'Briain: And comedians hate magicians. I know you may not know this but we cannot stand magicians because they practice and practice and practice and then they pretend that it's magic. That gets on my tits in a huge way. Right? 'Oh, no, where's the card gone? It's *magic*' No, you were lonely as a teenager and you practiced for hours. That's where the fucking card has gone, all right? Concert pianists also practice for hours but they don't go out on stage and go, 'Jesus! Where is the music coming from? This is incredible. It's like it's flowing out of my hands, it's amazing.'
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George Carlin: There's a moment coming. It's not here yet. It's still on it's way. It's in the future. It hasn't arrived. Here it comes. Here it is ...shit! It's gone.
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George Carlin: There's an odd feeling you get when someone on the sidewalk moves slightly to avoid walking into you. It proves you exist. Your mere existence caused them to alter their path. It's a nice feeling. After you die, no one has to get out of your way anymore.

* * *

Gossip Girl: I'm not sure when exactly I started to dislike Vanessa but I really don't care for her and that makes me sad because she used to be among my favourites.

Fringe: I think that if the show had really crappy actors and epically bad special effects it would be laughably bad. Seriously. But the actors are excellent and the effects are decent and I love Walter so yeah. I mean it's not all bad but sometimes there are lines like, "If that's the case it would suggest that some of John Scott's memories, perhaps the very ones we need ..." "Are in Agent Dunham's mind." And I dunno, I just wanna roll around and laugh at lines like that.

The Mentalist: I love Jane so freaking much.

Unless it's crack crossovers aren't my favourite and het is really not my favourite but every so often in my mind there's images of Sam and Thirteen and oh god, they'd be so pretty together. Maybe Jared can date Olivia or ... they can just be photographed together making out. *crosses fingers*
certainthings: (Ruby is on her knees begging please)
Kristeen Von Hagen: I'm not into necrophilia but if I was I'd always pretend that it was our having sex that killed him. That would be my joke and I'd find it hilarious every time. Lie there after sex, 'Chad, that was amazing. Chad? Chad are you ... OH MY GOD! Our having sex killed you!' Then I'd laugh, 'Still got it.' Then be like, 'Do you want a sandwich? No? Good.' Then I'd put him back in his box or the fridge or ... I dunno, whatever you do with your dead boyfriend.
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Job 3:25,26 - For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me. And what I dreaded has happened to me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet; I have no rest, for trouble comes.

Mitch Hedberg: That would be cool if you lived with a monster you'd never get hiccups.

God: Angels are not dicks.

...sorry. But that's not going to get old for me anytime soon.

Uhm. Ehh. I like Sam's face.

And I'd really like to know what the deal is with Dean - if freakin' GOD is telling *angels*, "Hey, listen to the womanizing dick with extremely low self esteem." ... Boy's gotta have a little sumpin' sumpin', right?
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I kind of hope that something gets cancelled on Tuesday or even better I lose interest in something because oh my god, I watch too much tv. But manalive crawfishpie it's so shiny! On Tuesdays -

Eli Stone
Criminal Minds
And then I download the Mentalist.

I'd be okay if 990210TNG got cancelled but I kind of love everything else.

* * *

Mitch Hedberg: I saw a lady on t.v. she was born without arms, literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'". And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions, its very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

Ahahahahahaha. *wheezes* I think it makes me laugh maybe more than it should.
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Peter Anthony:

Trying to meet girls at nightclubs is weird, you know. They're very judgmental. Drives me nuts beause they have little theories like, "Oh look at him on the dance floor, let's watch him because how he dances represents what he's like in bed." Worse part is that's technically accurate. 'Cos I can only dance for about eight seconds and then I spill my drink on her leg.

It's a bad drug choice, man, you're hooked on crack. You wake up in the morning you're like *yawns and stretches* Christ, I'm in a dumpster. It's a good thing this dead hooker is on me or I would've froze. Okay, I'm the only guy who kills hookers. What do you guys do? Pay 'em?

[re: his friend trying to get him to do coke] "C'mon Pete, do some blow. Do some coke, everyone used to do it back in the Eighties." Well, that's a shitty argument. Everyone used to listen to Wham back then too. What's with your fascination with the Eighties? You want me to put on some leg warmers and solve a rubics cube too, Chachi?

Ray Charles he was a heroin addict, wow, as a blind man. I think that shows a certain level of commitment. He not only had to score heroin, he had to cook it on a spoon, get it into a syringe, tie his arm off and here's the kicker - find a vein. I'm like dude, playing the piano? Not so impressive anymore.

I did my B.B.A and then I went to graduate school to do my M.B.A  and then I dropped out to be a stand up comic. [snip] I was talking to one guy he's like, "Dude you're crazy. You gotta go back to school finish off that second degree because it'd be a great thing to have under your belt." I'm like so would a huge a cock.

I found out that in this country that if you go to prison you get your education for free. Now, that leaves me thinking that when I got out of high school I should have fucking stabbed somebody. Maybe a student loans officer just to make it ironic.

When I was growing up the bully would pick on the nerd or the fat kid, which isn't nice but at least it's traditional. The bullies now are nuts in the head they'll pick on a guy for any reason whatsoever. You know because he's lactose intolerant. "Want some milk, fucker?" "Want some cream, pussy?" "No, I didn't think so because your body can't metabolize it properly. *mimes beating someone*

-on the show they bleeped out the word "cock" but not "fucker."
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Supernatural 4x05 Monster Movie

This isn't sharing. This isn't connecting. It's the pleasure principle! That's right, I've got your number, Id Boy. Only thing you're thinking about is how long before you can jump on my bones!

* * *

Eddie Izzard:
"Officer, there’s a nutter in the park!"
"Oh, it’s a low-power vampire, they’re no bother this time of year. Be in bed by nightfall…"

* * *

I liked. I liked a lot.

SAM ATE!!!! Biting. Chewing. Swallowing. *flails*

'Cept there was the second scene in the bar where we just see Sam chewing which was okay but uh, he seemed to be chewing for a really RILLY long time. I began to think that he was actually chewing on his tongue. Bah.

I enjoyed this Shapeshifter. I got a little, just a tiny bit teary eyed when he was dying at the end there and I said outloud to him, 'I like you.' because yes I am one of those types who talks to the tv. :p

He was just so adorable and over dramatic but mostly I fucking LOVED LOVED LOOOOOOVED that he punched Dean in the FAAAAAAACE for using that stupid fucking annoying "Batman" voice. OKay, so he didn't punch Dean for that but I like to pretend that he did.

When Sam came to rescue Dean I got all essited that Dracula was going to push Sam against the wall and try and bite him because HOT but then no he started beating up Dean again which was fantastic because Dean started with that voice again and IT NEEDS TO STOP because I'm fairly sure that I'm not the only one who's cheese is being grated and goat is being gotten by that *voice*.

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Ron White: I got kicked off the high school debate team for saying, 'Yeah? Well, fuck you!' I thought I had won. The other kid was speechless. I thought that's what we were trying to do.

* * *

According to a Live Nation source, tickets to AC/DC's November 28 concert at General Motors Place in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada completely sold out within four minutes after they went on sale this morning (Friday, September 19).

[Poll #1277339]
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I capped KTLA's interview with Misha. They're here and again they're not great but they're okay for icons.

* * *

I don't remember anything that happened in the dream. I do remember that Mother Petrelli was there as were Sam and Dean. And I'm fairly certain that we were all about to learn that Sam and Dean were actually Petrellis and not Winchesters.

* * *

Jim Gaffigan: You could be a genius but you try and write a postcard you look like a moron. "This city has big buildings. I like food. Bye."


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