certainthings

David Cross: Acting is all pretending, that's all it is. It's the easiest job in the world. Here's what you do, here's acting. Actors sit - they get fucking millions of dollars - they sit in their beautiful plush trailers, with beds and fucking big screen TVs playing video games, waiting to be called to set and they're hanging out on their cell phone. And then a PA who's getting like six dollars an hour comes up and says, 'Uh, we're ready for you Mr. Belushi.'  'Fuck you!'  And then they come down and they uh, hold an umbrella lest a raindrop touch your precious little head and they give you hover-craft boots so that you can not touch the ground and angels sprinkle gold on you. 'What would you like? What about a certain kind of tea that you can only get in Tibet and I'll fly over there right now and get it for you?' And then they get on the set and the director says, 'Okay, second team out first team in.' Second team does all the hard work, they're the people that look like you and dress like you and they sit there for like an hour while they light and everything. Then the first team goes in and it's all pretending that's all you do and they go, 'Okay and action!' [acting sad] "I'm so ashamed." [/acting sad] 'And cut!' 'Okay, I'll be in my trailer.'

Peter Anthony:

Trying to meet girls at nightclubs is weird, you know. They're very judgmental. Drives me nuts beause they have little theories like, "Oh look at him on the dance floor, let's watch him because how he dances represents what he's like in bed." Worse part is that's technically accurate. 'Cos I can only dance for about eight seconds and then I spill my drink on her leg.

It's a bad drug choice, man, you're hooked on crack. You wake up in the morning you're like *yawns and stretches* Christ, I'm in a dumpster. It's a good thing this dead hooker is on me or I would've froze. Okay, I'm the only guy who kills hookers. What do you guys do? Pay 'em?

[re: his friend trying to get him to do coke] "C'mon Pete, do some blow. Do some coke, everyone used to do it back in the Eighties." Well, that's a shitty argument. Everyone used to listen to Wham back then too. What's with your fascination with the Eighties? You want me to put on some leg warmers and solve a rubics cube too, Chachi?

Ray Charles he was a heroin addict, wow, as a blind man. I think that shows a certain level of commitment. He not only had to score heroin, he had to cook it on a spoon, get it into a syringe, tie his arm off and here's the kicker - find a vein. I'm like dude, playing the piano? Not so impressive anymore.

I did my B.B.A and then I went to graduate school to do my M.B.A  and then I dropped out to be a stand up comic. [snip] I was talking to one guy he's like, "Dude you're crazy. You gotta go back to school finish off that second degree because it'd be a great thing to have under your belt." I'm like so would a huge a cock.

I found out that in this country that if you go to prison you get your education for free. Now, that leaves me thinking that when I got out of high school I should have fucking stabbed somebody. Maybe a student loans officer just to make it ironic.

When I was growing up the bully would pick on the nerd or the fat kid, which isn't nice but at least it's traditional. The bullies now are nuts in the head they'll pick on a guy for any reason whatsoever. You know because he's lactose intolerant. "Want some milk, fucker?" "Want some cream, pussy?" "No, I didn't think so because your body can't metabolize it properly. *mimes beating someone*


-on the show they bleeped out the word "cock" but not "fucker."