certainthings

Daniel Tosh: 'God made Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve.' Do you wanna know the answer between religion and gays, I'll tell you. Look in the bible, look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. We all know who sinned first. C'mon, ladies, do you have to eat everything? I know you were hungry and there was a snake talking to you. Stick to that story, we've bought it this long. It's kind of cute, too. Now, God has to punish us for all mankind. What was woman's punishment? Do you know? Painful childbirth. Menstrual cycles. Man's punishment? We have to deal with women. That's why I get upset when people say 'God hates gays.' God doesn't hate gay people he's just mad because they found a loophole in the system. Wouldn't that upset you? You come up with a great punishment and then they're like, 'You know what? We're just going to bang each other.'

[stolen from fromyourashes]

"If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought?"

You know, besides "AHHHHHHHHHHH!" :p

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Daniel Tosh:
I love that Kobe Bryant puts out a commercial this year. "Hate me because I'm a champion. Hate me because of my work ethic." It's like, 'We hate you because you were accused of rape.' What planet does he live in where he's like, "Seriously guys, why are they pissed off? [pause] Because of the rape? Are you sure? [shakes head] That doesn't add up."