certainthings

sometimes I like to uh, "borrow" things I see on tumblr and post them here. sometimes (most of the time) I'm not too sure on who the OP is. I apologize for that.

right then. this quote is always funny.

"Frankenstein enters into a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective"

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

All my very best,

Jack Layton

John Mayer: [singing] Look at me, I used to live in NYC, now I'm as douchiest as a man can be.

I do enjoy that man. I wish I liked his music more.

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I like how no one really seems all that concerned that the guy in the background has just been STABBED! :p

Erma Bombeck:

There were thirty whole beautiful minutes before my plane took off ... time for me to be alone with my own thoughts, to open a book and let my mind wander. A voice next to me belonging to an elderly woman said, "I'll bet it's cold in Chicago."
Stone-faced, I answered, "It's likely."
"I haven't been to Chicago in nearly three years," she persisted. "My son lives there."
"That's nice," I said, my eyes intent on the printed page of the book.
"My husband's body is on the plane. We've been married for fifty-three years. I don't drive, you know, and when he died a nun drove me from the hospital. We aren't even Catholic. The funeral director let me come to the airport with him."

I don't think I have ever detested myself more than I did at that moment. Another human being was screaming to be heard and in desperation had turned to a cold stranger who was more interested in a novel than the real-life drama at her elbow.

All she needed was a listener ... no advice, wisdom, experience, money, assistance, expertise or even compassion ... but just a minute or two to listen.

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

She talked numbly and steadily until we boarded the plane, and found her seat in another section. As I hung up my coat, I heard her plaintive voice say to her seat companion, "I'll bet it's cold in Chicago."

I prayed, "Please God, let her listen."

Why am I telling you this? To make me feel better. It won't help, though.

I'm watching an old clip of Ellen that someone posted on my funwall over at Facebook. Ellen's just called Gladys who lives in Austin, Texas.

Gladys: Oh, honey. Let me tell you, we got ... Austin, Texas got a little bit of ice and two flakes of snow ...
Ellen: Oh, no.
Gladys: And they shut the whole city down. And I'm telling you the local news, they showed an icicle hanging off a fellow's roof to his house and that was the big news here in Austin, Texas.


Gladys: Listen, I'll be honest with you. I love Jesus, but I drink a little.

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I'm so horrible with checking Facebook and more horrible with updating it.

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*pokes this day* MOVE FASTER.

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, 'Oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.'

© ?