certainthings: (Harry)
I like reading Bathroom Reader books because they are filled with fun facts and, you know where exactly where you are meant to read them. With other books, you're never quite sure where you're meant to read it.

Right. I recently read this fun fact! *gestures*

- In medieval England, wealthy gentlemen often wore clothing that left their genitals exposed. They wore short-fitting tunics with no pants. (If the genitals didn't hang low enough, padded, flesh-coated prosthestics called briquettes would be used.)
certainthings: (too sexy for)
Since I am a CoverGirl, I thought if any of you are interested in learning a little bit about modeling I could offer you some tips, I've sashayed down plenty of catwalks in my day - well, one. But I know what it takes to make an impression. So here are some suggestions, as long as you are willing to be fierce.

One: The Look
Always look like you're angry at the universe for making you too pretty.

Two: The Walk
Trot. Aggressively, like you're a horse that's trying to avoid puddles.

Three: The Squint
Squint like someone is bouncing sunlight off their watch and directly into your eyes.

Four: The Pout
Get those lips out there. Purse your lips like you're trying to sip out of a straw that someone keeps moving away from you.

Five: The Pose
Be mysterious. Always pose with one hand in your pocket as if to say, "I'm so mysterious, this hand in my pocket could be a hook hand. You don't know."

Six: The Breeze
Carry a giant oscillating fan with you at all times. No exceptions.

Now put it all together. Trot! Squint! Get the straw! Who's a pretty girl? You are. Keep trotting!

- Ellen Degeneres - Seriously, I'm Kidding.
certainthings: (Mozzie and Burke)
"...sometimes I think I'm making him up just for someone to talk to. But if I am, I don't know how to stop because if someone's living in your head, how do you get them out?
You can't, is how. You can't, because that's where they live."
certainthings: (Slayer comma The)
"The Great Law of Conservation of Matter and Energy says nothing is ever lost. Everything is saved. Everything comes and goes. It only changes form. Water is essential to life. As is earth and energy. We exist in the flow of mud and light."
certainthings: (Danneel: What is this fuckery?)
This was written a very long time ago but I feel it's still relevant.

Dave Barry: The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.


Apr. 2nd, 2011 10:45 am
certainthings: (Buffy's in her sandbox)
"There is really nothing you must be.
And there is nothing you must do.
There is really nothing you must have.
And there is nothing you must know.
There is really nothing you must become.
However. It helps to understand that fire burns,
and when it rains, the earth gets wet ..."
certainthings: (Default)
burnt orange lipstick is the book I started reading last night. It's a collection of short stories. I finished the one story and I really did not care for it at all. Mostly because I didn't understand it at all. I guess it's like Brian Regan said, "Reading is hard." :p

Anyway. Here's a bit from the story:

There was a movie on the bus. In the movie, a handsome young man runs over a puppy with his motorcycle. He nurses the puppy to health and the dog becomes his faithful companion. A band of hoodlums who work for the government find the man and torture him to death. By an act of luck, the whole thing is caught on tape, but the tape is lost during a bungled investigation. The dog has dreams and the dog's dreams are beautiful. Dog and owner run through colorful flower-filled landscapes. The dog kills each of his owner's murderers. Each time he finishes he brings a wreath of flowers to his owner's grave and dreams another dream.
In the end, the dog finds the video tape and brings it to the police.

01. How awful does that "movie" sound?
02. Do you think the dog hid the tape in the first place? (yes, I know it says "bungled investigation" but still)
03. If you had to name this movie what would you call it?
certainthings: (Default)

[The Pooh Dictionary]
Braces, noun: 1 sort of straps slung over your shoulders that, being attached to your trousers, keep them from falling down. 2 paradoxically, any sort of clothing that you find so exciting you want to fall down.

Piglet wasn't listening, he was so agog at the thought of seeing Christopher Robin's blue braces again. He had only seen them once before, when he was much younger, and, being a little over-excited by them, had had to go to bed half an hour earlier than usual; and he had always wondered since if they were really as blue and as bracing as he had thought them to be
certainthings: (Chad and his puppy)
Today looks like this ...

on the radio this morning they said that all of Canada was going to have a white Christmas and that it the first time since 1971.

* * *

[The Pooh Dictionary]

Nothing, noun: Does not mean "Not a Thing," but refers to the Very Best Thing in All the World: a state of relaxation and peace - just you and thou and a smackerel or two, and no one bothering.

"I like that too," said Christopher Robin, "but what I like doing best is Nothing."
"How do you do Nothing?" asked Pooh, after he had wondered for a long time.
"Well, it's when people call out at you just as you're going off to do it, What are you going to do Christopher Robin, and you say, Oh, nothing and then you go and do it."
"Oh, I see," said Pooh.
"This is a nothing sort of thing we're doing now."
"Oh, I see," said Pooh again.
"It means just going along, listening to all things you can't hear, and not bothering."
"Oh!" said Pooh.

* * *

Thank you again to all of those who have sent me a holiday card and for the gifts. It means a lot.
certainthings: (Default)
Ellen Degeneres:
I was raised a Christian Scientist and was taught to believe that we could heal our bodies through prayer, that sickness was an illusion that could be defeated by the power of the spirit. Since my family were Christian Scientists, we probably saved a bundle: no aspirin, no medicine at all. I didn't take my first aspirin until I was in my teens and even now I feel a twinge of guilt when I go the pharmacy - I feel as if I'm in an opium den. (Though, to be fair, I've only been to an opium den twice and I was so stoned I barely remember what it was like.)

* * *

Xander: Nice. Look who's got a bad case of dark prince envy.
Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to [in Dracula's accent] "leave you." And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? [as the Count on Sesame Street) Vun, two, three -- three victims. Mwa ha ha!

certainthings: (Default)
Best Thing, noun: that which is most aesthetically and emotionally, if not gastronomically, pleasing {so much so that you can't really find the right words to describe how wonderfully pleasing it all really is}

Christopher Robin said: "What do you like doing best in the world Pooh?"
"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best-" and then had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. And then he thought that being with Christopher Robin was a very good thing to do, and having Piglet near was a very friendly thing to have; and so, when he had thought it all out, he said, "What I like best in the whole world is Me and Piglet going to see You, and You saying, 'What about a little something?' and Me saying, 'Well, I shouldn't mind a little something, should you, Piglet,' and it being a hummy sort of day outside, and birds singing."

certainthings: (Default)
Bishop Spong: First you need to develop an understanding of God other than the supernatural parent figure who lives above the sky and is waiting to come to your aid. Christian prayer is not an adult letter to Santa Claus. Second, you need to understand the nature of the world in which you and I are living. It is not a world of miracle, magic and divine intervention, but a world of order, natural law and precise mathematical formulas that enables us to predict with total accuracy the tides, the time of sunrise and sunset and even eclipses of the sun and moon. We can send spacecraft to the moon and to the planets as far out as Jupiter because we know the laws by which such things as motion and gravity operate. Prayer must take place in that kind of world.
certainthings: (Default)
Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pass along to your children.

1. Relax and take it easy. Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such as "doing something with your life." Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.

2. Whatever it is you pursue, try do to it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don't ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced.

3. Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to "know" people, you're asking for trouble. more )
certainthings: (Default)
George Carlin:

People say, "I'm going to sleep now," as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. "For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life."

If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.

"They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee."

So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, "The creature is regenerating itself."
certainthings: (Default)
Happy Mother's Day.

And because I like to post tl;dr quotes ...

Robert Fulghum:

For twenty-five years of my life, the second Sunday in May was trouble. )

Finally a footnote. You will never really know what kind of parent you were or if you did it right or wrong. Never. And you will worry about this and them as long as you live. But when your children have children and you watch them do what they do, you will have part of an answer.
certainthings: (Sam and Dean : You worry about)
"Human words do not describe reality outside human experience."
certainthings: (Default)
- I read The Time Traveller's Wife and The Kite Runner this weekend.

- Enjoyed them both.

I talked Hassan into firing walnuts with his slingshot at the neighbor's one-eyed German shepard. Hassan never wanted to, but if I asked, really asked, he wouldn't deny me. Hassan never denied me anything. [The Kite Runner]

- When I read that I thought, 'Oh, I'm reading a Sam/Dean fanfiction.' but then it turned out slightly different. :p

* * *

Mitch Hedberg: I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes

Jared Padalecki: I love cookies baking. During the winter, they have these candles that smell like cookies, and I always buy like a hundred of them.

Bonus Question: Do people staying with Jared and/or spending the night wake up with false hopes?

certainthings: (Jared's got a bit of a snarl face)
We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2 percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning. It just takes a crack in the sidewalk - one little trip. We feel like fools, turning our back to look at it. "There's a pebble, somebody better put up some orange cones to warn the others. Everbody's gonna trip like I did." Then we look back that one more time to show the pebble who's boss, "Damn pebble, why-I-oughta..."

We do that because we think that people are staring at us, sensing our inadequacy, noting our flaws, mocking our clumsiness. But perhaps, sadly (though, for the purpose of this book, perhaps not - perhaps humorously instead), nobody is noticing. Everybody is too busy worrying that they look like idiots to care about you.

If you think that none of that applies to you, just take a look at your picture in your high school yearbook. Because closer to the surface than you think is that awkward adolescent hoping that people like her and praying that nobody notices how much she hopes that people like her and knowing that if people knew what an idiot she was, they'd never like her. Or maybe not. Maybe you'd just see how funny you looked back then and and have a good laugh. Either way it's worthwhile.

--Ellen Degeneres [My Point ... And I Do Have One]
certainthings: (Default)
Robert Fulghum: Without realizing it, we fill important places in each other's lives. It's that way with a minister and congregation. Or with the guy at the corner grocery, the mechanic at the local garage, the family doctor, teachers, neighbors, co-workers. Good people, who are always "there," who can be relied upon in small, important ways. People who teach us, bless us, encourage us, support us, uplift us in the dailiness of life. We never tell them. I don't know why, but we don't.
And, of course, we fill that role ourselves. There are those who depend on us, watch us, learn from us, take from us. And we never know. Don't sell yourself short. You may never have proof of your importance, but you are more important than you think.


certainthings: (Default)

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