Twilight and New Moon the Rifftrax versions

Watched the rifftrax version of the movies today. I have quotes.

"Is she supposed to look sexy or like she's wearing a rabbit's dentures?"

Edward: Well, no one is going to believe you.
-"Quoting directly from the 'Abusive Guys Handbook' there.

"I heard 'Omgomall thirty years', you guys?'
"Yep. 'Omgomall thirty years.'"

"He's like the love child of Matthew Perry and Powder."

Bella: Vampire.
-"Close, I'm a metropire."

Edward: Are you afraid?
-"Seriously, I don't know what emotion you're going for, cos you always just look nauseous."

Edward: This is what I am.
- "An off brand version of Johnny Depp wearing body glitter."

Bella: I'm not afraid of you.
- "I briefly dated the Sham Wow guy, so you know ..."

"Mmmkay, good. We're just watching them them hang around all afternoon, moonin' at each other. Maybe later they'll drink goji berry pomegranate green tea and post some Serenity fanfic."

"This is a ballad I wrote just for you. [singing] I want to chomp into your throat and watch you bleed out on the floor. Then I'll bathe myself in your life essence as you die. Tear your heart out of your chest and crack the bones and suck the marrow out, slice into your brain for sandwiches and maybe have an omelette..."

Bella: How'd you get in here?
-"The chimney, I'm also part Santa Claus."

Edward: I like watching you sleep. It's...
-"Extra creepy."

Carlisle: Bella needs you.
-"To make her hammy acting look good by comparison."

"The sexual tension between these guys [Edward and Jacob] is off the charts."

* * *

Bella: I can't even think..
-"That's pretty obvious."

Jacob: It's completely stupid and reckless
-"Trusting the white man always is."

Jacob: Look Bella...
-"a body like this belongs at the Jersey Shore."

Jacob: ...or you're going to get hurt.
-"I'm putting land mines in the parking lot. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to scamper around half naked in the rain with my friends."

Bella: I'll tell them that you stopped by.
-"I'll ride over there on my unicorn."

"Great now they have to deal with the Nothing too."

Bella: I'd do it for you.
-"But only if you promise to never wear a shirt."

"Run blood-sucking Lola, run."

Jacob: Sam got angry, lost it for a split second and was standing too close
-"Three hours later he hit her."

"And theatres full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that somethings are better left to the imagination."

Alice: Just do what she says.
-"She's been acting since she was like two, she can buy and sell us all."

Jane: This may hurt just a little
-"I'm going to read aloud from the Twilight series."

Bella: I can't do this alone
-"Yeah, most people have difficulty turning into vampires on their own."