burnt orange lipstick

[certainthings]

Well, I finished reading a book. Sure, it was short and was of short stories but still. A book is a book. But uhm, I think maybe I now know why I stopped reading them - I was thinking it was because they weren't about Sam and Dean having hot gay incestuous sex - but no, I think it's because I don't understand them.

Here's another part from a different short story:

Ann came out of the bathroom wearing a colossal black robe which dragged behind as she sauntered. With her hair wet the bones of her face appeared large and beautiful.

"Drop the robe," said Mark.

"I'm tired of you, my liege," she said as she shook her head and smiled, revealing her small sharp teeth.

"Drop the robe," said Orelio.

"I'm tired of you, my lord."

"There was an orangutan," said Orelio. "It walked down a sunshine street. It stood up and said, I'm a silly monkey."

Mark cried. Orelio left the room and Ann sat on his lap. She offered him her breasts. Orelio came in and they hugged. "We need some food. What we need is some food."

What. The. Fuckity Fuck?

01. How and why would that make Mark cry? [bonus question: Is this Mark fellow the biggest sissy in fictional history?]
02. How is Ann able to sit on Orelio's lap and offer him her breasts if he's left the room?
03. Do they really need some food or do they need to stop taking really bad drugs?

Comments

[fromyourashes.livejournal.com]

What in the fuck are you reading? Go get some nice, normal, relaxing Stephen King. This shit is scary.

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

Clearly, I was reading crack that I did not understand. at. all.

[fromyourashes.livejournal.com]

Kudos for getting through it, though.

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It was really hard.

[goingtoqueens.livejournal.com]

Lol, giiiirl, I do not know how the fuck you got through that book!

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. Very carefully. And as quickly as possible.

[popmusicjunkie.livejournal.com]

What the hell?

"There was an orangutan," said Orelio. "It walked down a sunshine street. It stood up and said, I'm a silly monkey."

Mark cried.

No, really. What the hell? I DON'T GET IT. There is nothing about what you've posted from that book that makes any sort of sense. It is like strange random sentences mixed together to form a story.

[agt-league.livejournal.com]

It is like strange random sentences mixed together to form a story.

MTE.

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha ... if I don't laugh, I'll cry. This book was hard.

Yeah, I don't/didn't get it at all. Not really.

[agt-league.livejournal.com]

I really have no words for this book. I feel like I'm on a bad trip LOL. O_O

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. Right there with you.

[lightly.livejournal.com]

OMG how did this even get published?

...I strangely feel the need to read this book, I like to punish myself.

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

I have no idea, at all.

I really think you should because then maybe you could tell me what the stories were about. There were a couple where I sort of understood but then there'd be a sentence or two and then no. I don't think I got what the author was trying to tell the reader.

[lightly.livejournal.com]

From the little bits you've posted I think that what the author is trying to tell the reader is that the author is cuckoo crazy for coco puffs.

[ghoulchick.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha! You are like my fanfic-hunting counterpart in the world of published literature. :P

Okay, how about this: Mark is crying because he realizes he's trapped in a story that is utter crap and makes no sense. Ann is not sitting on Orelio's lap; she's sitting on Mark's lap. (The poor choice of an indeterminate pronoun - he - when there are two "he" options makes this unclear, but I'm assuming from the context that it MUST be Mark, since Orelio has trucked his ass right on out of the room... possibly because he, too, realizes the horrid fic circumstance he's mired in and is all, "I can't believe that wanker of an author just made me say that stupid shit about the orangutan and the fucking sunshine street. Fuck it, I'm outta here.")

Ann's maybe trying to make Mark feel better about this stupid story. "Aww, quit your crying, have a breast or two." Orelio, taking his cues from Ann, comes back to hug them both in a show of comfort and solidarity - "Folks, I'm right there with you. This story is crapass. There there, it'll be okay. What we need is some food. You know how a pint of Ben & Jerry's after a breakup is just the thing? Yeah. We're gonna feed our pain."

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

I was thinking it was probably Mark's lap but it's worded oh so badly.

"I can't believe that wanker of an author just made me say that stupid shit about the orangutan and the fucking sunshine street. Fuck it, I'm outta here."
Hahahahahaha. *ahem* I love the way you think.

[later-tuesday.livejournal.com]

Please tell me that this is at least a paraphrase and not a direct quote.

I'm weeping for literature either way, but if that's a direct quote I may have to slit my wrists.

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

No, it's all copied directly from the book. But please don't slit your wrists.

[later-tuesday.livejournal.com]

I won't, but only to avoid giving the book the satisfaction of taking another life.

[openmydoors.livejournal.com]

03. Need to stop taking really bad drugs. Definitely need to stop taking really bad drugs.

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

And maybe get a better editor or a ghost writer.

[malcolm-stjay.livejournal.com]

My brain hurts. Quite a bit.

And then a silly monkey came in and offered me his breasts.

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

*cracks the fuck up*

[bigmamag.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, BAD READING MATERIAL IS BAD. And speaking of incest, have you ever read Flowers in the Attic? I read it again a few months ago and it's still eerie and messed up as I remembered. :D

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

I have read Flowers in the Attic. Years ago but yes, and I think I enjoyed it. But all of her book series are basically the same. Poor child meets rich relatives and then there's some incest. It's possible VC had some issues.

[bigmamag.livejournal.com]

lol yeah, I never read the other ones because I went on wikipedia to read up on them first, but I was like, good god, it's incest city! Kind of like Sam/Dean/John stories. I'm like, good god, isn't Sam and Dean enough?