I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.

[certainthings]

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, 'Oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.'

© ?

Comments

[pippilottah.livejournal.com]

I think I heard that in a movie... Or maybe I heard Demetri Martin or another comedian say it.
Anyways, I like it.

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

I think I've heard it before or read it but I can't remember where.

[pippilottah.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it is Demetri Martin but now I'm watching videos with him and my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. You heard he got his own show on Comedy Central?

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

I did hear about that but I had forgotten until you mentioned it just now. What sort of clips are you watching?

[pippilottah.livejournal.com]

The ones they have on Comedy Central's website. And I'm rewatching the Colbert for President (of South Carolina) '08 clips :D